Marsipan : British Mars Exploration Programme

TEENAGE PREGNANCIES ON MARS SET TO SOAR!

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 00:42:33 GMT

Teenage pregnancies on Mars are set to soar after the expansion of the British controlled zone, predicts the Daily Mail.

OUR NEWSLETTER IS BACK!
Yes, I know it's been a while, but important mission data had to be analysed and discussed with Professor Colander. Knowing what a perfectionist he is, you can see what kept me away from updating you on what's going on here. Our Martian rovers keep disappearing and we need to get to the bottom of this! So wait no longer, click on 'attachments' and read it!

Oh, and subscribe for further updates!

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?mission=1

Attachments: TEENAGE PREGNANCIES ON MARS SET TO SOAR!

FLIGHT DIRECTOR BOTTOMLEY'S FIRST BLOG

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 10:36:49 GMT

As global warming continues, our thoughts must all turn to one thing: Mars! It is plain even to the meanest of fools that its polar icecaps, with their precious hoards of dry ice are vital to us to replace our own. As the British Mars Exploration Programme continues its expansion, subduing more of the solar system, we will find more, wetter, cooler planets to occupy as this one dries up.

Congratulations to our scientists who have provided another great boon to humanity with the side effects of their research. Yes, just like Teflon and hydrogen fuel cells our own research has managed to create its own triumph. New Coke Zero is made entirely from the scrapings of our astronauts bodily waste disposal systems. Good work, lads!

I've just been told that an alien (most probably Martian) landing site has been detected in the Deptford area of South London. The intruders are located at www.raw-nerve.co.uk and seem to be responsible for the revamping of Marsipan's cyber home which we like a lot.
There's lots of new stuff for you to see, so get to it!

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?mission=1

PROFESSOR COLANDER PUBCAST 03

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 10:10:22 GMT

Despite the ongoing threats and abuse from fellow scientists, Professor Pillock Colander continues with his pubcast from The Green Man Tavern.
Watch latest edition.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1

MISSION SCAVENGER EXPRESS - SUCCESSFUL LANDING!

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 10:10:32 GMT

Watch the latest mission video. Still waiting for explanation of what happened and why we lost contact with the probe. Wondering what to do with my BP shares...

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?mission=1

NEW PUBCAST: COLANDER KARAOKE EXTRAVAGANZA

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 21:57:19 GMT

There's a new pubcast.

Professor Pillock Colander sings for his supper. And that of everyone in the Control Room. Go and look.

Yeah, thought you'd like that...

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 7TH MARCH 2007

Wed, 7 Mar 2007 12:54:28 GMT

'These are worrying times, fellow Earthlings...'
Flight Director Bottomley (that's me)
To read our NEWSLETTER, open Attachments.

Our next Mission - Penetrator is expected, weather conditions permitting, to beam back mission video some time next week.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1

Attachments: MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 7TH MARCH 2007

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 28.02.07-OPEN THE ATTACHMENT!

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 21:45:05 GMT

Attachments: MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 28.02.07-OPEN THE ATTACHMENT!

MARSIPAN WEEKLY NEWSLETTER - 20TH MARCH 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 16:44:29 GMT

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
*************************

Not to worry, Fellow earthlings! I received a lot of very supportive letters after my last newsletter, and I'd like to thank you all for your kind words. Especially the ladies. Especially the lonely ladies. Especially the lonely ladies who leave their lights on and their curtains open as they get undressed, and pretend not to notice me, with my binoculars, on my roof.

You coyly remove each item, knowing I can see you. You playfully look shout at me, daring me onwards with the harsh words you know arouse me. You lower the blinds, knowing full well that I have brought an infrared adapter for my video camera and can still make you out by the heat you give off, and that I will lie in bed watching the video repeatedly until I fall asleep.

You naughty minx.

As I said. I'm much better this week. The doctor altered the dosage, and everything seems to be fine.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
-----------------

WHAT'S NEW?
***********

Um, only a brand new mission to Mars. Mission: Penetrator will be burrowing its way into your consciousnesses on Tuesday 27th March.

Get it here.

Then.
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A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
**********************************

Now, corporations get a lot of bad press. People think we like nothing more than mincing kittens to use as fertiliser; making people work for pennies and destroying indigenous cultures.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

We like opera, too. And reading obituaries.

These people think that just because we use our wealth to secure beneficial deals with governments in terms of labour law, that we are in some way corrupt. Bribery is corrupt, giving money to a government in return for favours is 'investment'.

The truth is these people just don't understand trickle-down economics. It's a truth well-established in economic models that if we get wealthier, everyone gets wealthier. It's not our fault that reality often falls disappointingly short of those economic models. Blame reality, not us.

It works like this: imagine a pyramid of people. Now imagine the person at the top of the pyramid starts weeing. Wee splatters over the heads and shoulders of those below, getting in their eyes and up their noses as they breathe in. Pretty soon they begin to wee, too.

On and on it goes, further down the pyramid, until everyone is covered in lovely, lovely urine. Everyone except us, the dry ones at the very top.

That's trickle-down economics, and we hope that you feel a little less guilty about buying lots of lovely products in the future. You're not exploiting people in the third world, you're helping them to a better standard of living. Admittedly, not a standard you'd want for yourself, but they're different because they are a long way away.

There. That's better.
----------------------

ASK THE PROFESSOR
*****************
Dear Professor Colander,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Yours,
Happabap Bappahap
---
Dear Happabap,

I have to say that I think my mother, Jocelyn Colander, was a very fine-looking woman with stout thighs and a nose like a rotting strawberry. It was known around Menge that she could break a fully-grown man between her buttocks.

In her younger days, she was considered something of a beauty, and during the war she was placed on the beaches to repel the Hunnish invaders. She kept the West Country safe for the likes of you and me.

During the 1950s she was Miss Austerity for three years in a row, and her face adorned tins of processed pork until the early 1970s. She was a very sexual woman.

I've kept her room exactly as it was on the day she died. Except that I had to cut her down, the Council wouldn't let me leave her there.

Yours,

Professor Colander
------------------

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
****************************************

Here's terza rima verse on outer space,
(A favourite of Dante's and of mine)
I think that Mars is my most favourite place.

Just thinking of it tingulates my spine,
I love its barren wastes and reddish rocks.
Unbreathable, its atmosphere is fine.

I love its sand, its mountains and its flocks
Of Martian geese, who honk at Martian voles.
A wormhole means it's also where lost socks
Can go to find their final resting holes.
-----------------------------------------

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?mission=1170270775

MISSION PENETRATOR 01 CAUGHT IN ACTION

Sun, 1 Apr 2007 12:59:18 GMT

The latest British probe to Mars, sent to build interplanetary relations.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 16:30:43 GMT

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE BRITISH MARS EXPLORATION PROGRAMME
************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
*************************************

Dear All,

I'm a man of many hobbies. I'm a hobbyist. It keeps my mind out of
the dark cupboards of the soul. Stamp collecting, that's a good one.
Stamp collecting, walking on the fells, and popular music. Oh yes, I
like popular music.

I believe that it was Mr Midge Ure who first said: This means nothing
to me. Oh, Vienna! And who knew then how right he would turn out to
be?

And who can forget Paul McCartney's imprecation, that, If this
ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cry,
live and let die... I'm doing just that. I'm letting all those seal
cubs die, Paul, so there! Band on the run? You will be! When I'm
king, you will be...

That song, of course, was covered by Axl Rose, whose name is an
anagram of Oxl Arse. Guns N Roses new album is expected out later
this year, and I for one, cannot imagine that, after 13 years in
production, it will be anything less than spectacular.

Yes, music is balm for the soul, it stops us worrying about things we
can't change: our cosmic insignificance, the fact that we're alone in
the solar system, what we're going to do to Patrick Moore when we get
our hands on him...

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley
-------------------------

WHAT'S NEW(ISH)?
********************

Mission Penetrator breaks through furthering interplanetary
relations. Exclusive uncensored footage if you haven't seen it yet...

Go on.

See?

Told you.
------------

ASK THE PROFESSOR
**************************

Dear Professor Colander,

It saddens me that there has been so little concentration on my
favourite planet, Uranus. You're always going on about Mars, as if
it's something special, just because it's tilted at 28 degrees and
has an almost-breathable atmosphere. Let's face facts, it's nothing
compared to Uranus.

So, here are a few questions: what can we expect to find on Uranus?
Is Uranus big enough to contain intelligent life? Why do you always
neglect Uranus?

Yours,

Bumflap McCrapper
---
Dear Bumflap,

I know what you're doing. I know your game. Very funny. Ha ha. You're
a comic genius, a veritable Russ Abbott, Dick Emery or David Walliams.

I've heard more Uranus jokes than you've had hot dinners. In fact,
I'd go so far as to say that someone has inserted Uranus into almost
every hot dinner I've had. I can't walk down the street without
having -Uranus! - hurled at me by youths and old people and the
middle-aged.

Oh yes, we all love a good laugh at Uranus, but after thirty or forty
years of having to stare at Uranus day after day, it all gets a little
boring.

Quite honestly, Bumflap, I hope I never have to think about Uranus
ever again.

Yours,

Professor Colander
---------------------------

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
******************************************************

Space.

The Final Frontier.
Left ear, right ear, and final front ear.
That's how many ears Mr Spock has.

In the old
Joke.

Ha
Ha
Ha.

In Space, no one can hear you tell jokes.
-------------------------------------------------------
********************************************

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?explore=1

MISSION PENETRATOR 01 CAUGHT IN ACTION

Fri, 4 May 2007 15:46:36 GMT

The latest British probe to Mars, sent to build interplanetary relations.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER

Fri, 4 May 2007 17:15:44 GMT

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER FRIDAY 4th MAY, 2007
****************************************

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
*************************

Dear All,

You may have read a few months ago about the astronaut in Florida who drove hundreds of miles in a nappy just to assault her ex-boyfriend. Many of you have expressed concern that this sort of obsessive behaviour might be prevalent amongst astronauts. Some of you have even gone so far as to suggest that the desire to strap yourself into a small capsule on top of many tonnes of high explosives before lighting them to catapult you into isolation outside the atmosphere of the planet on which you live might be indicative of a slightly unbalanced state of mind.

Well, if wanting poo-free trousers is mad, then I'm mad too!

On a long journey a nappy is the perfect answers to any question which ends with 'faeces'. Is it mad or just sensible to make elaborate preparations for a cross-continental assault journey? Is it mad to want a lover back? Is it mad to send them poems written in your own blood?

Is it?

Is it mad to keep your loved one's dead skin cells in a jar? Is it mad to hit yourself in the face with a steam iron, repeatedly screaming the word 'Stupid!'? Is it mad to cry over 'Cash In The Attic'?

According to my psychiatrist, it is.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley

WHAT'S NEW?
***********

Excellent! It's a brand new pubcast.

What will Professor Colander be talking about today? There's only one way to find out.

Sort of.

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1178024478

A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
**********************************

Given that half term is rapidly approaching, we here in the corporate section would like to offer you the following tips on keeping your children amused:

Buy them a Playstation 3.
Sticks from nearby woodland can be used to build a treehouse. If you really want your child playing with a toy which hasn't been subjected to strict quality and safety guidelines.
Send them to our new nursery where they will learn essential skills, like footwear manufacture, how to do really small stitches and how to make many of the toys they love so much.

ASK THE PROFESSOR
*****************

Dear Professor Colander,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Yours,

Reginald Spoot

Dear Reginald,

Those aren't birds, those are my wife!

Seriously, though, one of them may be my wife. After a horrific gardening accident almost twenty years ago, my poor wife, Gwladys, was turned into a crow.

When I say 'was turned into a crow' I should add 'by me' although I should also add 'in the interests of science.' And the experiment worked. Had it not, the technology behind Pop-Tarts could never have been developed.

Since then I carry birdseed wherever I go, in the hopes of enticing her back to our house, so that we can have sex again.

How do I feel about my wife being turned into a crow?

Raven mad.

Yours,

Professor Colander

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
****************************************

There once was a woman from Saturn
With a bum so large it could flatten
A car with its size,
A dog with her thighs
Or the whole of Northampton, the slattern!

(There. Told you I was over her.)

http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php?pubcast=1178024478

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:46:39 GMT

MARSIPAN NEWSLETTER 13th JUNE, 2007
**********************************

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S WELCOME
*************************

Dear All,

Chris de Burgh once sang a beautiful, heart-rending song about a 'Lady in Red'. She was amazing. And he rhymed 'dance' and 'romance' like no one has before or since. I cannot be the only person to have thought at the time that Mr de Burgh had caught the essence of the indescribable in that song, he had managed to crystallise pure love, and transcribe it in three verses with chorus and a middle eight.

I thought that that was the pinnacle of the songwriting art. I was wrong.

You can keep your William Shakespeares, your John Keatses and your Chesney Hawkes. To my mind, only one man has ever come close to portraying the glory of love in verse. That man is Sting.

With his honesty: “Every move you make, every breath you take, I'll be watching you” and his elfin good looks, Gordon Sumner taught us how to love. He showed us that true love involved following people around, and watching them from behind newspapers as they met up with their so-called 'new boyfriends' or 'dates' or 'husbands'. He taught us that there is no shame in waiting in a bus stop for 19 hours until your loved one emerges from the scene of their shame to get the bus back to their house in the morning. He taught us how to fit out our basements so they would have everything they need down there.

Good old Sting.

Yours,

Barnaby Bottomley

WHAT'S NEW?
***********

Wowsers Trousers! It's a whole new episode!

Watch it!
www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php

A WORD FROM OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS
**********************************

Some sectors of the press would have you believe that all large corporate entities are nothing more than sources of unimaginable evil. This is simply not the case. We also make training shoes, and electronic toys.

We would expect this sort of leftist enterprise-bashing from the state-owned monolith that is the BBC. After all, what more does one want from the corporation that puts out such Stalinist propaganda as Panorama, Newsnight and A Question of Sport?

No, it's much more worrying that previously sound institutions like The Economist, the Financial Times and Rotarian Monthly have started printing pieces in which they support socialist nonsense like libraries, and roads.

These are worrying times, so we have declared June to be Corporate Month, to raise awareness of the hundreds of difficult issues that face executive board members every day. Did you know that every four seconds a profit, somewhere in the world, is lost due to avoidable lack of marketing? One every four seconds. That's four every sixteen seconds. And you could help.

Little Ntembe walks 27 miles every morning to get water for her family. If she would just agree to work at her local aluminium smelting plant like the rest of the nine-year-olds then she wouldn't have to do this. Just 14 hours' work could make her enough money to feed herself. Almost.

To donate money to this and other corporate causes, stay tuned during Corporate Month!

ASK THE PROFESSOR
*****************

Dear Professor Colander,

I have heard that the European Space Agency are either going to upgrade or scrap their ExoMars project for a Mars Rover in 2012

Yours,

Sandy Heudonym

Dear Sandy,

Of course the Europeans cannot agree on the specifications for their Rover, and this is just one reason why our efforts will always overshadow those of our continental cousins.

The French, obviously want the Rover to be equipped to lay out empty fields, and then collect EU subsidies for the extra arable space on Mars. The fact that they also want it to be fitted with a special 'collaborate' mode, in case it encounters anything hostile has led to many of the problems.

The German engineering on the Rover is excellent, but their insistence on draining the huge Lager Lakes on Mars' northern plains has proved to be a sticking point.

The Italians would rather just steal a Rover than develop one, the Spanish are too busy sleeping all day, and the Scandinavian countries are too depressed and drunk to do anything about it.

No, this is yet another example of where British grit and consistency will win out over all. Just like at Agincourt, Crecy and Dunkirk.

Yours,

Professor Colander

FLIGHT DIRECTOR'S POEM OF THE WEEK (ISH)
****************************************

You've taken up residence in my heart.
You are an uninvited boarder.
But what makes it much, much worse
Is this Restraining Order.
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http://www.marsipan.co.uk/index2.php